This is indeed odd for me, and that’s saying a lot, I have done my fair share of crazy things that I’m absolutely horrible at narrating. They always seem to amuse me in my head, but at the end of the day when I try to translate those fond, joyous memories into sparkling, lively conversation that will make me center of attention at any social gathering, the outcome is less than pleasing.
No boisterous laughter follows active attempts of wit and no unwarranted male attention follows. I have given up trying to be funny, holding my thoughts to myself, using them to their full potential to cheer is melancholy times.
But yes, going back to what’s odd, which inspired me to create this blog in the first place, I have decided that in spite of knowing a few faces in this city and desperately fishing invitations from them, I will stay at home alone on new years eve and reflect and contemplate on the year that has gone by.
Yes, incredibly boring, I know, I’m also aware that no one will probably read this blog. This is all indeed acceptable (okay who am I kidding I was really hoping some publishing house in some obscure country around the world would find my lack luster life remotely interesting and give me a book deal.) Yes that was another attempt at being funny, or was it really my heart’s great desire reflected into written speech.
I’ve long given up on understanding myself, with each passing year I’ve realized that I make the same mistakes over and over again without much improvement. If the road to self-understanding is paved with bitter realization then I’m almost there…. I think.
It seems like an appropriate time to start something new, almost the end and not yet the beginning. The moment I made up my mind to start this blog, my mind was eager to make a new resolution, “I shall be a dedicated blogger!”, then I decided against it.
May be I know myself too well, maybe like most people I will break my resolution in a week or two and continue with my inertia ridden existence, maybe I will never write in this blog again like the three previous ones. All these do not hold much significance for me at the moment. What I know is that I’m here, now, in front of my computer screen instead of figuring out where I will be getting drunk tonight. This is a big deal for me.
For all my talk of solitude, peace and comfort in loneliness, I absolutely hate being alone. I’m a big hypocrite. I’ll probably feel really sorry for myself at around midnight for not having a date/reasonably attractive man in the vicinity, a cute boy to plop a wet sloppy drunk one on. This will naturally be followed by the after-hour sloppy sex that will satisfy neither and leave us wondering if there could have truly been a better way to usher in the New Year…
The last sentence was written at around 6.30 pm, my over enthusiastic attempt of writing was interrupted by the noisy and some what annoying arrival of my cousin who made empty promises of leaving at a decent hour but refused to bulge until a couple of hours before the coming of the new year.
Well it is now a little past midnight, 12.30 am January 1, 2008 to be precise. I have escaped the usual drunken revelry that surrounds this day without much self-imposed grief. To be honest, I am actually surprised at myself; this surprise comes from my newfound appreciation for my sense of maturity, which I didn’t know, existed. Right at this moment I feel like raising a toast to my self and thanking the lord for giving me the wisdom to handle what life offers with wisdom and serenity. This would be rather difficult as my faith in the lord almighty is sketchy at best and bringing alcoholic beverages into our household is generally frowned upon. Hence I will raise my cup of sweet tea laced with cinnamon and half burnt cigarette to the computer screen and usher in the New Year with warmth and glee. This is the best cheer I can muster at this late an hour. My inbred sullenness prevents me for being too optimistic.
Being alone this year is a big deal to me, being okay with being alone is an even greater accomplishment. I use such highly celebratory words to felicitate my act because of my checkered history that spans the last five years. The irony of it all is that I have been single on this doomed day, yet never been alone.
The last time I had a serious boyfriend that stuck around till the end of the year was in 2001. I was 17, he was 19, I didn’t consume alcoholic drinks back then and he promptly dropped me home after mid-night. I was accompanied by my little sister and an unwilling cousin for my “protection” who were nice enough to give me some alone time to share an awkward kiss during the cab ride back home.
Come 2002 life changed for me dramatically, I moved to a new country, with a modern outlook, sex in your late teens was no big deal, being drunk at fraternity parties and kissing ten boys in one night was almost natural. Then came New Year’s Eve, with no parents on the same continent and a lack of curfew the opportunities were endless. The year-end was spent with a good college friend and her stoner buddies. I remember that day distinctly, the drugs and the alcohol flowed freely, as the inebriation creped in, and so did the lack of judgment. I remember ending up on the couch with some guy whose name I fail to remember. (There have been a few others like him since then.) The act of lying together was followed by some unsatisfactory foreplay; I was sober enough to not want to drop my pants for someone who I was pretty sure didn’t remember my name. Guess he eventually realized this and went into the next room after politely excusing himself to smoke some crack out of a glass bulb looking object with his buddies. I eventually got a lift home from my friend when she had somewhat sobered up. By then I didn’t care to be there as I had realized that someone had stolen some bills from my wallet that I had gotten from selling some old text books! I call this the start of great many losses.
I eventually lost touch with this friend after a couple of year at university. Right around New Year’s last year I was informed by another friend that this girl has killed herself. I think of her fondly and often feel sad that I hadn’t made more of an attempt to stay in touch. Hopefully I have many years of joy and sorrow ahead of me but F shall never see another day. Although my attitude doesn’t always reflect that I love and appreciate what life has offered me in my heart and soul I’m fully aware and thankful for my time on earth and the rich experiences it has blessed me with. May God rest her soul in peace?
2003 three was fairly uneventful, no kisses from straight men at mid-night, only drunken merriment with my best friend J and his work buddies. The night ended with lots of drunken dials to various exes accumulated over the year in a sad, slight hope of reviving something, which was already dead.
2004 ended with a bang! Literally. Another one night stand with a man gasp, which was younger. No dates calls or dates followed. I was a sad cheap fuck. Again I was alone, but not really.
(To be continued, getting rather sleepy!)