As someone who can be a complete idiot at the most inopportune moments, I often fail to recognize the signals that life throws my way. These random, arbitrary, subtle signs that lead to infinite wisdom and insight go past me unnoticed. Even when I do recognize danger, I stubbornly refuse to heed to caution and continue to do just as I please, even if it may not be for the best.
I have been on super crazy party mode. Every weekend is unfailingly spent drinking till the wee hours of the morning, whiling time away, with mostly good conversation and a never ending supply of vodka and cigarettes. In my own silly way, this is my rebellion against the so-called moral code of conduct set forth by Indian society, which does not let its women live a life of drunken debauchery. I often come home at the wee hours of the night; I stumble into the house, ignoring moms agitated curses at my blasphemous lifestyle and collapse upon my bed barely conscious of her anxiety and apprehension. In my own silly, stubborn way this is my desperate attempt to hang onto a life of complete freedom and isolation that I once had and had come to love. Sadly, I don’t really feel all that free or liberated, the evenings get repetitive and stale, the conversations have a vaguely familiar ring to them. Sometimes I don’t really feel all that eager to step out, preferring to spend time in the company of fictional characters in books and films, favoring them over real people. Instead of following my instinctive urges, I step out, in the company of strangers and friends, making small talk that requires effort, all the while, longing for my bed instead.
I had an incredibly busy, stressful, hectic week at work. The responsibilities piled on, one after the other, sometimes seeming to have no end. I tacked them head on, to the best of my ability and even managed to do a pretty decent job at finishing most of them. S, my boss, yelled at me all of like three times this week, a matter worth cheering about. I felt happy, mildly satisfied, and truly, utterly exhausted. Someone with a little sense would have rewarded her effort with some well-deserved rest and relaxation. Instead I stayed out till six in the morning, again. Sadly, neither was the evening all that fun nor exciting. It started and ended as predictably as I had guessed. I yawned time and again, secretly yearning for my bed and sighed inwardly, hoping no one noticed it. I have stopped paying too much attention to the way I dress anymore, it seems rather pointless, most of the men I meet are interested in everyone else but me. Short skirts, low cut dresses, sweet smelling perfumes, soft supple lips and smoky eyes have stopped affecting men in a way they once did. They remain oblivious to my womanly vials as I remain aware of their masculine allure. With every passing tick of the clock my exhaustion and impatience grew. I was too bored and tired to even attempt an interesting conversation, the mere thought of it utterly draining. I was lying on the couch with my feet turned up, vaguely paying attention to the several different conversations happening around me, when I turned to my friend M. A knowing look passed between us, as our eyes collectively swept the room.
“I’m going to be single for ever!” She exclaimed.
“ Want to grow old together?” I offered consolingly.
We smiled at each other both amused and saddened simultaneously. In a room full of men it is as if we didn’t actually exist. Well, at least not as an alluring specimen of the opposite sex kind of way. We were just one of the boys, someone they saw way too often to ever consider appealing in a non-platonic sense.
“Water, water every where, not a drop to drink.” I whispered sadly and went back to my bottle of “Aquafina Pure Mineral Water” that I have been nursing all night. M nodded in acknowledgement and took another large swig of her wine.
I developed a very sore throat the next day. My body burnt with a raging fever and my head throbbed with an endless pain. I lack the strength to conduct the simplest of physical activities and I feel like shit. I wish I hadn’t sacrificed a good nights sleep for another night of hedonistic activity.