I have been going back and reading my last few posts. I’m shallow, I’m vain, I need constant attention and I need constant affirmation. I do not feel very apologetic about it.
When I’m not dating or sleeping with someone my hormones go through the roof and I start fantasizing about random men that I see and interact with on a daily basis. No one is spared from the dark, sensual, seductive fantasies that stem from the deepest recesses of my imagination. Not the cab driver, not the bus conductor, not the cute fruit vendor, not my friend’s husband, no one.
But I guess this is the good thing about fantasies they are what they are, a purely fictional element of my overactive imagination. I am too lame and boring in real life to actually legitimately attempt to make them come true. In fact I rather write about them, nurture them in my mind and use them as weapons of self-amusement in times of great boredom and monotony.
It seems like I have an extremely colorful life of numerous romps in various sacks around the globe. Well I do, at least in a way. But these brief periods of great sexual excitation and exploration are marred by long periods of inactivity. The clock keeps ticking, days, weeks; sometimes almost months go by where almost nothing happens. If I were motivated enough to make changes to my existing identity, I would most definitely give my self a middle name. I think inertia would be a befitting mid-identity.
I truly, whole-heartedly believe that the universe has a way of working in mysterious ways. I am also of the belief that I should leave it to its own devices and not disturb its fragile balance my adding my two cents. So where as others go seeking for what they truly desire or think they truly desire, I sit here in my chair and let “It” happen to me. This is of course if fate is all permitting. Some might call me lazy, complacent or even cowardly (yes, I’m a little bit of each) but I would like to think of myself as patient. It has been my experience that life surprises you the most when you least want or expect it. Whether this “surprise” is good or bad is completely secondary.
My “let life surprise me attitude” has begotten many, many random and absurd adventures my way which, have made life ever so amusing. I have often let golden opportunities of work; love and artistic expression go by, but not without learning a valuable lesson from my momentary inadequacies. I am still yet to master the art of wisely implementing these morals into practice. They say well begun is half done; I started a long time a good and hopefully will eventually get there. Where’s there? Good question, when I know the answer I will let everyone know.
“Give the boy a break!” my head keeps repeating over and over again! A lot can happen in a week. Countries get bombed, floods, earthquakes and raging fires destroy miles and miles of civilization, people get busy. The unforeseen events of ones life makes one inaccessible those around them. You are never really a priority, priorities takes time to develop, you are merely a weekend distraction that is shoved to the bottom of the pile to make room for things much, much more important. You resurface when the time to indulge in celebratory pleasure, at the accomplishment of ones priority occurs. Almost understand it. I have given up the opportunity to copulate for matters more pressing such an assignment that needed much immediate attention or simply because I felt like being alone. With life’s intricate complexities that offer both immense joy and sorrow both unexpectedly and fleetingly who has the time to make regulated intimacy a priority? I know for a fact that I avoid it at most times.
I can’t blame T for being away; I cannot burden him with the weight of my unknown expectations. I’m not all that sad anymore, neither am I dejected. Life threw T my way when I least expected it. If it is fates desire it end it at that roundevu', then who am I to intervene? I only wish that I was still getting laid.